Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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