I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
