I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
