My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
