you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
