i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
