I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
