My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
FUCK WHALES
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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