Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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