He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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