its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
