i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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