I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
