Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
