The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
