it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
