i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
