It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
did you just send me my own nude
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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