i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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