ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
