Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
