so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
