i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
