so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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