You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
