I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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