so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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