I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize