She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude i'm inner monologue high
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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