Joe is yelling at the trees again.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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