I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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