just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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