I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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