Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
