She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
