I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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