You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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