conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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