We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
