So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
