he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
