I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
