Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
