He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
