I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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