I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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