Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
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i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
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Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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