They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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