a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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