I met the friendliest cop last night
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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