I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just want to make out with him forever
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
