I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
