It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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