I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
